Easing Our Anxiety By Embracing Our Distress
I originally sought personal therapy after years of persistent, low-level anxiety caused an ever-present knot in my stomach. In retrospect, I was in an endless cycle of striving (with no end in sight), succeeding (without feeling like a success), and burning out (while feeling undeserving of a break).
I tried dealing with this in multiple ways: getting angry at my anxiety, logically disputing the reasons I felt anxious, assuming I was wired for anxiety, numbing it with alcohol, and meticulously planning my days to maximize my productivity. And, wouldn't you know it: though I became increasingly productive, I was still kind of miserable. My inability to control my anxiety – or think my way out of it – led to anger, sadness, and more anxiety!
Why Anxiety Persists
It turns out I was doing everything in my power to maintain my mental state! All the ways I tried dealing with my anxiety were forms of non-acceptance: suppressing negative thoughts by disputing them, avoiding negative thoughts and emotions with alcohol and an intense focus on personal productivity, and judging certain emotions to be bad or wrong. Non-acceptance has been associated with negative mental health outcomes including increased stress, anxiety, and depression (Williams & Lynn, 2010).
Conversely (and counterintuitively), the benefits of accepting difficult thoughts and emotions include decreased negative emotions, increased potential to take productive action, and increased serenity (Hayes et al., 1994; Bond & Bunce, 2003; Greenberg & Safran, 1987, as cited in Wiliams & Lynn, 2010)!
So, how exactly do we learn to accept parts of ourselves that make us miserable? First, we can use so-called "passive-observer" mindfulness to notice our thoughts and emotions from a detached place without needing to believe or obey them (Schwartz, 2013). While this distance helps us put our thoughts and emotions into perspective, Dr. Richard Schwartz (developer of Internal Family Systems therapy, or "IFS") took things one step further: after recognizing inner drama as parts of oneself, what if it were possible to transform these parts by showing them compassion for how hard they work to protect us?
A Counterintuitive Solution
IFS provides a guide for working with our protective parts, from our initial awareness of a part to gaining a much deeper understanding. The way this plays out depends on the person – I have a visual “internal” world, so I interact with my parts much like I converse with "external" folks. However, this approach also works for people whose internal world is more dominant in terms of emotions, bodily sensations, or intuitive sensing.
We first become aware of a part of ourselves via an impulse, thought, emotion, or bodily sensation. By focusing on this experience, we can get a fuller picture of how this part presents itself to us in everyday life.
I was primarily aware of my anxiety through stern thoughts such as, "Today's almost over and you only finished half of what you planned." Staying with this thought, I understood it was related to the knot in my stomach, and I saw an image of myself as a 5-year-old.
A pivotal question is asked at this point: "How do you feel toward this part of yourself?"
I initially felt angry toward my anxiety – I wanted it to go away and stop making me unhappy. In IFS, this is viewed as a second part who is angry at my anxious part. By spending time with the angry part, I was able to relax my anger and make it possible to feel more curious and compassionate toward my anxiety.
Once we are curious, we can deepen our understanding of a part by learning its age and exploring why it does what it does.
I learned my anxiety was in service of motivating me to prove myself, something I felt I needed to do since I was little.
The final piece is understanding what a part is afraid will happen if they stop doing what they're doing – this points toward what underlies this part.
My anxious part was worried that, if it stopped making me anxious, I wouldn't try as hard, which would mean people wouldn't be impressed with me, which would mean people wouldn't value me. In other words, this part worked very hard to prevent me from feeling worthless. (Regardless of how true it might be that I'm worthless, the key was validating a part of me who worries about feeling worthless!) This was a turning point: any remaining dislike I harboured toward this part turned to compassion for this little-kid part of me who'd worked so hard for so long.
“What Stands in the Way Becomes the Way”
Years ago, a friend gave me a medallion – one side reads, "The Obstacle is the Way," and the other side quotes Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius: "The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way." This quotation perfectly summarizes how I’ve learned to face, accept, and feel compassion toward my distress! Over time, working with different parts of myself (many of which I spent literal decades avoiding, disputing, and pushing away) transformed these former tormentors into trusted consultants. I felt calmer and more content; the knot in my stomach slowly loosened and dissolved. It returns from time to time but is no longer a constant companion.
Perhaps reading this has given you hope for relief from your own distress; perhaps it's caused skepticism that what I’ve described would work for you. Perhaps it’s caused parts of you to feel seen after being pushed away for years, and perhaps other parts feel a bit guilty for doing so. Please know that all of these reactions are so understandable! And perhaps you might be inspired to get to know these parts a little better.
If you’re interested in diving deeper into parts work or are looking for a non-judgmental space for self-exploration, please check out my counsellor profile and contact us to schedule an initial consultation.
References:
Schwartz, R. C. (2013). Moving from acceptance toward transformation with internal family systems therapy (IFS). Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(8), 805–816. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22016
Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal family systems therapy (Second edition). The Guilford Press.
Williams, J. C., & Lynn, S. J. (2010). Acceptance: An historical and conceptual review. Imagination, Cognition and Personality, 30(1), 5–56. https://doi.org/10.2190/IC.30.1.c
