Why Men Struggle to Seek Mental Health Support and How I Overcame It
Seven years ago, not knowing how heavy and influential societal expectations can be, I found myself in the darkest place I have experienced in my life. Each day was a drag. Getting out of bed demanded yet another breath and speaking with family and friends felt like I was under a burning spotlight. I was supposed to be a 27-year-old with a house, a full-time career and the ability to provide for a family. But quite the opposite was happening. In fact, it felt like my life was falling apart and that I had failed to achieve what I was supposed to. I had just experienced a marital dissolution shortly after abandoning my previous career and found myself without a sense of direction and a hollowed-out identity. Everything seemed pointless. I lacked purpose, as if I had no reason to keep going.
I tried to seek love and support from friends and family. Among those who tried to show compassion, I was met with messages such as “just give it time” and “you’ll move on eventually.” Messages that meant well, I’m sure, but did not speak to the weight of the world that had just fallen upon me.
Why Don’t Men Talk About Mental Health?
Though times are changing, men are traditionally less inclined to seek help for their mental health than others (Lidden et al., 2017; Lynch et al., 2018). Ever wonder why? According to Lynch et al. (2018), young men are reluctant to seek support because they may be perceived as weak and be subject to rejection from peers. To add to the negative stigma, some experience the loss of close relationships simply due to asking for help!
And, when men are aware of mental health resources that exist in their communities, they have to navigate any negative stereotypes that surround potential supports: “They just sit and listen like any other person, send you out the door, and get paid…” or “Most counsellors are just absolutely useless…” (Lynch et al., 2018). Such stereotypes may prevent men from seeking mental health support as the negative stigma contradicts the purpose of the support being there in the first place. How can a support service be perceived as pointless, yet society claims it to be so beneficial? Why would men approach something that doesn’t make sense? And, why would they seek mental healthcare if the consequences appear dire?
To add to it all, have you ever heard “My family doesn’t talk about that…”? Well, that’s because some don’t. Generational divides may also place immense strain on men by way of stigmatization where older generations may look down upon young men seeking support. This only serves to limit men’s capacity to acknowledge and attend to their mental health as they’re told to ‘buck up’ or ‘get on with it.’
Why would anyone reach out for support when the consequences seem much greater than the benefits?
Masculinity and Societal Expectations
Let’s go back to 7 years ago. You would find me swimming in my own thoughts… that were not really my own thoughts! Remember how we just discussed how society may limit men from accessing care? Well, society can also influence men to adhere to internalized expectations through traditional masculine ideals. I struggled with these ideals, and they contributed to my avoidance of seeking the care I needed.
My excessive need to be self-reliant, show strength, and provide for others, even when barely being able to get out of bed, served to protect a false image that everything was okay. It was not… I was very afraid.
The traditional masculine ideals that I had acquired over the years were haunting me – preventing me from experiencing moments of peace, joy with friends and family, and restricting my ability to choose how I wanted to move forward. I couldn’t reach out to friends or speak with family due to fear of rejection. I had no ability to relate to others as everything I had previously identified with was no longer a part of my life. The ever-compounding nature of these ‘so-called’ ideals were bringing me down. In fact, these ideals prevented me from healing at a deeper level as they tried to convince me to move forward as a broken man.
Letting Go of Societal Expectations and Breaking the Stigma
I ended up (albeit reluctantly at first) attending psychotherapy. My family was (is) not one to talk about mental health and I was afraid of what they, and others, would think of me for choosing to go. However, as I got to know my male (what?!) counsellor, I allowed myself to lean into my therapy. It turns out that he wasn’t so scary. In fact, he was just like any other person.
Laying down all these expectations, ideals, and stigmas, coupled with a bond with an open and caring therapist, allowed me to simply ‘just be’ as I needed to be at the time. Whether it was dismantling societal expectations, processing and understanding my grief, or questioning my beliefs about my purpose in life, therapy was the first step I needed to take toward healing and understanding what had happened – even if it didn’t seem like it at the time! Attending therapy helped ease my pain and, eventually, the process began to feel better than the heartbreak and the lingering meaninglessness that I had been carrying.
Once I let the barriers down, I could begin addressing the pain I was experiencing from the losses I had been accumulating. Therapy helped me create a foundation that was not buried in societal expectations and held together by layers of stigma. Instead, therapy helped me make sense of what had happened in my life, and I emerged more educated, aware, and kinder to myself. Though they still reappear sometimes, I am better able to identify, and fight against, stigmatizing thoughts. What’s not strong about that?
References:
Liddon, L., Kingerlee, R., & Barry, J. A. (2017). Gender differences in preferences for psychological treatment, coping strategies, and triggers to help‐seeking. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 57(1), 42-58. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12147
Lynch, L., Long, M., & Moorhead, A. (2018). Young men, help-seeking, and mental health services: Exploring barriers and solutions. American Journal of Men's Health, 12(1), 138-149. https://doi.org/10.1177/1557988315619469