Stuck Between Worlds

Are you caught between two worlds—sometimes feeling like you belong to both and other times to neither? You may have been born in Canada yet raised by parents from one or even two non-Western cultures. Or perhaps you immigrated to Canada and are torn between the attitudes and opportunities you sought and those you left behind. You may even be experiencing racism, marginalization, and oppression. If you can relate, then you—like me—may be bi-cultural, meaning you identify with or have inherited multiple cultures.

Given the predominance and growth of immigration in Canada, you are not alone. Today, over one quarter of Canadians are first-generation immigrants. The share of second-generation immigrants is even higher. Meanwhile, Toronto is the most multicultural city in the world with over half of its citizens hailing from other countries.

Being bi-cultural is simultaneously enriching and challenging. Cultural norms often clash—an expected behaviour in one culture may be unacceptable in another. The situation is even more complicated when family members have varying levels of acculturation. “Acculturation” is the process in which a person acquires a new ethnic culture. Their level of acculturation reflects the degree to which they have assimilated.

Intergenerational Conflict and the Acculturation Gap in Families

Meanwhile, the acculturation gap refers to the differing levels of acculturation among family members and is influenced by how long each individual has resided in their host country, the age at which they immigrated, and the extent to which they interact with people outside their ethnic community.

The acculturation gap between generations is often the source of tension and conflict. Your parents may expect you to behave in a manner that is unfathomable to you—and that may even feel like a boundary violation. To further complicate the matter, your concept of healthy boundaries may misalign with their ideas. They may come from a collectivist culture that normalizes and encourages involvement in each other’s lives—yet mainstream Canadian culture is highly individualized with rigid boundaries. As a result, many bi-cultural individuals struggle to assert our individuality while maintaining a strong bond with family members.

Navigating Multicultural Family Life

While it is normal to be triggered by family members every now and then, there are things we can do to build and maintain healthy connections with our family. Here are some tips to help you navigate these complex familial relationships:

1.     Develop Self-awareness

Developing awareness about your own feelings and triggers is the first crucial step to building happy relationships. Know yourself better by spending time gaining insight into your own thoughts and feelings. What is it exactly about your family member that upsets you? If we lack this insight, it becomes much harder to take steps towards improving our relationships.

There are many ways to develop self-awareness. Structured practices such as meditation and mindfulness techniques are just some of the tools that will help you build the necessary skills.

A lot of the work also happens in the moment. Notice your triggers when they occur and be curious about your own feelings. Curiosity is key here!

2.     Set Healthy Boundaries

This may be counterintuitive to many of us who come from collectivist cultures. However, we all set boundaries in relationships. In some cultures, these boundaries tend to be more rigid than others. You can set boundaries that are right for you depending on your personality, ethnic background, and specific family culture. If your family members are intruding on your personal life in a way that causes you discomfort, then you likely need to redefine your boundaries.

Sometimes making changes to our relationship boundaries can confuse the other person. You may want to gently discuss the topic first, in a manner that does not offend them. Before approaching the topic, remember that you need to be clear on your own goals and intentions. While your family may not understand your boundaries at first, they can learn to respect them.

3.     Use Effective Communication

It can be very challenging to discuss sensitive topics with family members because we are afraid of hurting them. Validation is key to getting the person to let their guard down and engage in conversation with us. Simple phrases such as “I know it was not your intention to hurt me” or “your support means so much to me” will enable you to have a much more productive conversation and hopefully achieve your goals.

When communicating, use “I” statements to communicate your feelings and emotions. For example, instead of saying “You upset me when you said…” try saying “I felt hurt when you said… “. It is always more effective to communicate your feelings rather than communicating the other person’s actions. If you have not already done so, I would also encourage you to search the internet for more tips on developing better communication skills.

4.     Practice Acceptance

Sometimes boundaries are not the solution. It may be that your triggers are caused by your own insecurities or that they are simply a result of personality differences. Some things are not worth arguing over. In this case, it helps to practice radical acceptance. Sometimes we can be triggered when a loved one is trying to help us. Maybe you simply need a shift in perspective to let down your own defenses and let your loved one in. Other times, you may simply need to let go because it is just not worth the fight. How can you tell when acceptance is the answer? This takes us back to the first point of developing self-awareness.

5.     Have Patience

Remember that these changes never happen overnight and there will be challenges along the way. Do not be discouraged. Building healthier relationships can be an important part of your personal growth, so enjoy the journey!

6.     Reach Out for Help

Connecting with supportive people in your life when you’re working through difficulties in your family can help you cope with the difficult emotions and gain a different perspective on the concerns. What emotions are you experiencing as a result of your family conflict? Do you feel guilt or stress? Do you outwardly avoid certain family members yet secretly wish you could be closer? Or do lose your temper and then feel ashamed? Do you have someone you can discuss these concerns with?

If you are having issues navigating acculturation and the associated family dynamics, I would be happy to support you through counselling. Check out my profile to learn more. If you’d like meet, contact us now to get started.

Stats from:

https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/221026/dq221026a-eng.htm